R.I.P. Grandma !!

Perhaps it is due to me constantly squeezing my brain cells,or I am purely exhausted? or I have Alzheimer’s disease? I am seriously running out of ideas of how to write about this? But regardless what I have I will try to finish this post *lol* .

I’ve got to know from my aunt last year this time that my grandma had 3^rd stage cervical cancer. I am either a real heartless person or my heart is made of iron K. While they were waiting for my reaction, maybe they figured the news will shocked me? Or expect me to at the very least cry a little? But guess what? I feel nothing (sheesh how could this be?) what’s wrong with me? How could I feel absolutely nothing? Maybe I really am insane? My idol is dying and I feel nothing? Hmmm….

Wait ! if you’re wondering whether I am pretending to be strong and crying is a shame the answer is a solid N-O or if you’re wondering why I am awfully calm and felt nothing hell I would like to know it too. Or lastly if you’re thinking ahhh maybe my grandma and I have some unsettle scores or they were not really close you are wrong……ahahahaha… we were very close ! so what happen? Truth is I do not know and wasn’t planned on cracking my head searching for any valid answers hahahah… all you need to know is that my family members found my reaction to the news intolerable *sighs*

My grandmother, my mentor. a real strong will person who raised all her 7 kids on her own, my grandpa passed on at the age of 30 something left behind a widow (my grandma) when she was only 31 with 7 children and nothing else. Well imagine that. Same reason why I claimed I grew up in an extremely poor family I wasn’t bluffing you. We were very poor but she still managed to keep everyone safe and sound. So now that you know why she was my mentor.

Everyone including all her 7 children hide her medical condition from her (which I strongly disagree) all they told her was “ oh mother doctor said you have a few lumps down there, so don’t worry about it” hey if I am going to die, I would love to know the truth of how I die, or die from what? don’t you? But since they have all decided to hide from her, I cannot say much really, up till today I still think it was very wrong regardless the good intent they claimed to be bla bla…

However, month after her departure I am still trying to figure out why is that I have no emotions whatsoever? Albeit I kept telling myself to just let it go, part of me says “forget it” but my moral conscience says I need a truly good reason if is not convincing at least let it be something that make me feel better. I know the answer lies somewhere in my brain I just have to dig it out . so I concluded that…with…

• 1)
  I am a nut case and that includes: heartless, without compassion, lack of the capacity to feel sorry for those in pain?
• 2)
  My tear ducts are all shut.

Or the other great possibility is this, I loved her but her condition was irreversible she was suffering, she was terminally ill and knowing very well that she will die. On her very last few days, she has an utter lack of cognizance and an inability to have any meaningful exchange or even contact, she has no intrinsic value; she lies in her bed with no apparent capacity to discern or think, her days have devolved into a horrible cycle of soiling her bedshhets . Witnessing all that, I could not help myself to think that, if only she dies now because her life is misery and there is no sanctity in that. For a person who was once steel strong plus a grand lover of life. Because I know only death would safeguard her dignity, and self-respect or to end her suffering. I cannot bare to see her brain continue to rot until all her vital organs shut down, shrinks to 20 pounds, her esophagus close up, so she could no longer eat and she begins to suffer a grand mal seizures (few times actually). I am sorry I did not cry but felt a sense of relief or to the point of laughing aloud. I am cheering all the way, to a lot of people and that includes my family members found it unacceptable , and perhaps you too think that I am insane. But truth be told… would you choose to live like that? Would anybody? I actually see my future there for a second , and I did tell Pita and trust her to prevent my end from becoming a mindless piece of must shall that one day comes, well it will anyway.. I am opted to euthanize my death, because it’s the only decent, humane and loving thing a person can do for the one they loved.

Sometimes, the word we offered to the family “sorry for your loss” or “ my condolence to you” isn’t exactly offer much comfort but in this case, my grandma died at the age of 90 so, not exactly a loss . but I am greatful she died peacefully . :D my prayers were with her minus the tears.

R.I.P. Grandma !!

Perhaps it is due to me constantly squeezing my brain cells,or I am purely exhausted? or I have Alzheimer’s disease? I am seriously running out of ideas of how to write about this? But regardless what I have I will try to finish this post *lol* .

I’ve got to know from my aunt last year this time that my grandma had 3^rd stage cervical cancer. I am either a real heartless person or my heart is made of iron K. While they were waiting for my reaction, maybe they figured the news will shocked me? Or expect me to at the very least cry a little? But guess what? I feel nothing (sheesh how could this be?) what’s wrong with me? How could I feel absolutely nothing? Maybe I really am insane? My idol is dying and I feel nothing? Hmmm….

Wait ! if you’re wondering whether I am pretending to be strong and crying is a shame the answer is a solid N-O or if you’re wondering why I am awfully calm and felt nothing hell I would like to know it too. Or lastly if you’re thinking ahhh maybe my grandma and I have some unsettle scores or they were not really close you are wrong……ahahahaha… we were very close ! so what happen? Truth is I do not know and wasn’t planned on cracking my head searching for any valid answers hahahah… all you need to know is that my family members found my reaction to the news intolerable *sighs*

My grandmother, my mentor. a real strong will person who raised all her 7 kids on her own, my grandpa passed on at the age of 30 something left behind a widow (my grandma) when she was only 31 with 7 children and nothing else. Well imagine that. Same reason why I claimed I grew up in an extremely poor family I wasn’t bluffing you. We were very poor but she still managed to keep everyone safe and sound. So now that you know why she was my mentor.

Everyone including all her 7 children hide her medical condition from her (which I strongly disagree) all they told her was “ oh mother doctor said you have a few lumps down there, so don’t worry about it” hey if I am going to die, I would love to know the truth of how I die, or die from what? don’t you? But since they have all decided to hide from her, I cannot say much really, up till today I still think it was very wrong regardless the good intent they claimed to be bla bla…

However, month after her departure I am still trying to figure out why is that I have no emotions whatsoever? Albeit I kept telling myself to just let it go, part of me says “forget it” but my moral conscience says I need a truly good reason if is not convincing at least let it be something that make me feel better. I know the answer lies somewhere in my brain I just have to dig it out . so I concluded that…with…

• 1)
  I am a nut case and that includes: heartless, without compassion, lack of the capacity to feel sorry for those in pain?
• 2)
  My tear ducts are all shut.

Or the other great possibility is this, I loved her but her condition was irreversible she was suffering, she was terminally ill and knowing very well that she will die. On her very last few days, she has an utter lack of cognizance and an inability to have any meaningful exchange or even contact, she has no intrinsic value; she lies in her bed with no apparent capacity to discern or think, her days have devolved into a horrible cycle of soiling her bedshhets . Witnessing all that, I could not help myself to think that, if only she dies now because her life is misery and there is no sanctity in that. For a person who was once steel strong plus a grand lover of life. Because I know only death would safeguard her dignity, and self-respect or to end her suffering. I cannot bare to see her brain continue to rot until all her vital organs shut down, shrinks to 20 pounds, her esophagus close up, so she could no longer eat and she begins to suffer a grand mal seizures (few times actually). I am sorry I did not cry but felt a sense of relief or to the point of laughing aloud. I am cheering all the way, to a lot of people and that includes my family members found it unacceptable , and perhaps you too think that I am insane. But truth be told… would you choose to live like that? Would anybody? I actually see my future there for a second , and I did tell Pita and trust her to prevent my end from becoming a mindless piece of must shall that one day comes, well it will anyway.. I am opted to euthanize my death, because it’s the only decent, humane and loving thing a person can do for the one they loved.

Sometimes, the word we offered to the family “sorry for your loss” or “ my condolence to you” isn’t exactly offer much comfort but in this case, my grandma died at the age of 90 so, not exactly a loss . but I am greatful she died peacefully . :D my prayers were with her minus the tears.